Friday, May 9, 2008

Mother's Day

Mothers Day is one of those special days that I usually don't look forward to. It is one of those days that is a reminder to me that Colt is not here. I usually don't look forward to doing anything special, and I usually just want to curl up and hide somewhere.

When a child dies there is always an empty space at the dinner table, in the back seat of the car, on the picture wall. Colt follows me throughout the day. I'm not talking about ghosts, but rather, the idea of who he would have been. While I don't dwell on the loss day in and out, I do keep my son close. Colt is a part of me, a memory I cannot and do not want to shake. I take him with me, I wonder about him, and I cherish my little boy. On those days when time is free, I imagine him on the swing set, along with his very much alive little brother and sister. In a way, I do see him. He is in the face of Brea, Luke, and even Jolea,and it takes me back to when he was here. I remember the last mothers day he was here. He and Luke had on their little matching blue plaid suits. They were so cute. It was an amazing day. Colt had finished his treatments and he was doing so good. His hair was growing back, and he was so strong and so full of energy and excitement. Life just seemed to be back to normal. We thought that cancer was behind us. Little did I know it would be my last mothers day to be with him for a while. Although Mothers day is a constant reminder of the son that I miss, I've finally come to realize that it is a constant reminder of the amazing little blessings that I have. It is such an honor to be their mother. This year instead of curling up and hiding, or staying in and pouting all day, I'm going to honor my son.

We have to go on living. It hurts and is painful and sometimes we feel like we don't want to live, but we do. We honor our children by continuing to live. We honor our children by laughing again and by feeling the joy that life can and does give us. We honor our children by remembering them and thanking God that we had them for as long as we did. We honor them by speaking their names and recalling wonderful, funny, silly and joyful memories of them. We don't honor them by giving up life or by staying angry or bitter. We don't honor them when we don't honor ourselves. So, this Mother's Day, honor your child by honoring yourself. Do something that makes you feel good. Something that will make you smile and enjoy the day. We don't have to like it and we may shed some tears but let's celebrate the day because we are Mother's and we are worthy of celebration.

Mother's Day 2004 ( The boys in their plaid suits!)


Karen Wall said...

What a beautiful post! I thank you for letting us in on these feelings! Happy Mother's Day!

The Byrd's Nest said...

You are a beautiful mother inside and out. Happy Mother's Day!


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