Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Fear Not

Midnight was the deadline.  It was the deadline to sign my two 8 year olds up for summer church camp.  They would be leaving for 4 days in June going to a camp with a pool, waterslides, and all sorts of fun games along with daily services.  The thought of sending them off without me makes my heart race, and gives me that huge not in my throat.  I thought to myself, how can I bribe them to change their minds? 

The problem, I had promised them last year that they could go.  I had talked them out of it last year, but promised them... "next year."  Here it was the last day to sign them up and I was working up a sweat to try to find a way to convince them to stay home.  It's just hard for me to go there.  It's hard for me to let my kids go somewhere that I can't keep an eye on them.  It's always been this way since we lost Colt.  Even the thought of sending them to school terrified me.  Thankfully, I was able to get a job at the same school they go to.  Tell me that's not devine intervention...hello!  Not only that, but I've missed out on several ladies retreats with church because the thought of leaving them terrifies me.  I feel like I need to spend every minute with them because who knows what tomorrow brings.  The night Colt passed away I was gone.  I had left him for a couple of hours to go finish up some Christmas shopping not knowing that when I snuck out that it would be the last time I saw him alive on this earth.

This fear I have is real and it's crippling.  So here I was sitting in a parking lot eating my lunch while Luci slept in the back seat, going back and forth with myself about letting them go.  I texted our Pastor and told him to put them on the list.  When I hit the send button my heart was racing.  I sat and I prayed...Please Lord, let them remember that I kept this promise and was just excited as they were.  Don't let them know that they almost missed it again because of my fear.  I want to leave them a legacy of hope. I don't want this crippling fear to cast out all hope.  I want them to see our family go all out for Jesus, and His perfect will for our life.  I constantly miss out on opportunities to live for Him because of my fear of losing them.  I can't be afraid.  I have to look these fears in the eye and say " I have Jesus, He's bigger than cancer, or tragedy." 

I teach my children that they can do all things through Christ who gives them strength, that He is with us wherever we go, and will uphold us with his righteous right hand....it's time for me to live it. 


Kate said...

That's great that you are letting them go. I can't imagine how hard it would be to let them go but you are right, you are teaching them a good thing by following through. :)

trennia said...

I am visiting from Tesha's link up :)
I know it's hard letting your children go somewhere you can't watching them...I have those fears too.It is nice your letting them go,but I know it's hard.I remember when my kids went somewhere after Emily's death it was so hard.Praying for safety for them and peace for you.

Unknown said...

I am so sorry this is hard for you. Honestly I really struggle with this issue as well. We are way protective of our kids and they do not go many places without us. I know what you mean thought by not wanting to live with a spirit of Fear. You are so right God is bigger and he is able. We have never let our kids go to camp, but we are all going to the Above Rubies family camp together. I am saying a prayer that your hart would find peace and rest in this issue. Hugs sweet friend.

Susan said...

I totally get where you are coming from…I also lost a child to neuroblastoma and I struggle with letting my other kids do normal things. My husband wants to take them camping, and I don't want to camp but am terrified for them out in the wilderness without me. I did let my 9 year old go to church camp last summer. She loved it! I have more anxieties about her younger sister though…so it is harder for me with her.

Anonymous said...

Tears filled my eyes reading this - because i DO NOT know what it is like to loose a son ~ and cant imagine the pain - but just reading why you are so scared to leave them, is totally understandable.... but you are SO right..it is holding you back, and them back! BUT i see this year 2012 a year of breakthrough! I believe you will OVERCOME the chains of fear weighing you down. you know HE nor Colt would want you living your life in fear. Live life, fully! Lay all the fear and axiety at Jesus feet and TRUST! If i know one thing about you and your hubby! You have great faith ~ continue to have that GREAT FAITH!!! love you!


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